One of the hardest things in the world to do is forgive, especially when you didn’t do anything wrong. Our mind and even the world communicates to us there is no need to forgive. I was right or I was the victim. When we hang on to what someone has done to us, it causes bitterness, anger, and resentment in our hearts. When we don’t let go our heart becomes darker. Here are three personal examples that I hope will explain what I mean.
When I was a young mom, there were two men at my church that held leadership positions that I had a difficult time with. They had said several things that really hurt my feelings. One day I walked into the church and one of the men said, “Hey you pregnant again or just getting fatter.” Now I don’t know how you would feel, but for me not being pregnant, that was a huge insult. I could go on and on and list the things that were said over the course of a few years that were so out of line. It made me angry. I had such feelings of bitterness and hatred towards these two men. What were they thinking?
Did they treat me like that every time I saw them? No. But the bitterness was already in me and it festered. I went on hating them for almost five years. Every time I was around them my mind and heart were filled with animosity. One day I noticed that they really had no idea I was angry at them. They were clueless and I was filled with bitterness. That is one of the first times I realized how this principle works. It is like I was drinking poison and expecting them to die. One day I saw them alone in a room together. I went in and told them I wanted to apologize to them for having negative thoughts toward them. They both looked surprised and asked me what they had done. I told them it didn’t matter and that I was sorry. It was like someone took a weight and lifted it off my back. This is a simple example that I allowed to last much longer than necessary and in the end it really only damage me.
Another example is when my daughter had a boyfriend who turned into a stalker. It put our family in an upheaval when I had to have her in hiding for seven weeks in another state. During that time I was angry at him for what he did and I did everything I could to protect my daughter, but I also prayed for him. He was messed up and really needed help from somewhere. Although I hated his actions, I tried to remember he was also a child of God. A messed up one, but one none the less. It took a lot of work, but it kept my heart from becoming bitter with hatred toward him.
Finally, after my mother died at 85, I went to her home to collect her belongs. She had been living with her elderly boyfriend for the last 13 years of her life. I knew him well and I had stayed at their home on several occasions with my children. He would dote over my mother and loved her very much but was very distraught at her death. That night I woke up to the horror of him naked in my bed. I won’t go into detail about what all happened and how things ended, but I was angry, violated, and disgusted. I drove the moving van the five hours home breaking down in tears and anguish as to why he would attempt to do what he did. I had always felt safe there or I would never had gone alone.
The feelings of anger, violation, and disgust did not last long this time. I went to an ecclesiastical leader of my church the next day and we talked and I cried. He assured me that it was not my fault and I did nothing wrong. Then he gave me a blessing and told me everything would be alright and to find forgiveness in my heart. It was easier this time. I was not asked to forget or to let him back into my life, I was asked to forgive him for his sins. When we forgive, we aren’t expected to forget. We often need to remember to keep ourselves safe from the situation repeating itself.
The lesson here is that when we are the victim, we are continuing to allow them to win when we become bitter and angry. We are giving them power over us. When we forgive, our hearts are softened and our healing can begin.
Author’s Note: If you are in a violent abusive relationship. Don’t remain in it. Get to a safe place. Even if you forgive a hundred times, the abuser will continue their abuse unless they get help and learn to truly change. Remember forgiveness is to help in your healing. It does not mean to continue to allow the abusive behavior of others to hurt you. (GMC)
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